The Big List of Resources
While it may sometimes seem that therapists are mind readers or have all the answers, I assure you that this is not the case. Most of the ideas and concepts that I share in therapy are not unique, original, or proprietary. I think it’s important to acknowledge the psychology giants whose broad shoulders I’m lucky enough to stand on, and to make this information freely accessible. There’s no super secret recipe here. Just a bunch of great concepts waiting to be integrated :)
Top 10
If you’re short on time, new to therapy, or pretty much just interested in improving self-control, agency, and communication, here are my go-to recommendations for skills:
How to change. Okay, this is number one because it’s probably the single biggest item on this list, and it’s also the most complex. In fact, I wrote a whole post about it. And I’m in the process of writing another one… (tbd). I’m just going to link a few of the highlights… If you read through these, you’ll notice a lot of shared source material and overlap in concepts. Again, pretty great to stand on the shoulders of giants. How to change when change is hard is an excellent article the outlines the concepts of change.
The concept of The Elephant and The Rider by Jonathan Haidt helps to understand why it feels like we are fighting our own minds sometimes, and what we can do to make that easier.
Biases are evolved and necessary shortcut systems (heuristics) that our brains use to filter the overwhelming amount of information in the world around us. We need them. However, sometimes those systems can get a little out of hand. They are useful as tools, notsomuch when we are run by those tools. Raising awareness of them can help us to navigate the world with more agency and effectiveness. Here are 21 "mind traps" (part 1) (part 2) that keep us at the mercy of our mind trying to keep us safe. Once we understand how our brain takes shortcuts, we can use that awareness to work towards our goals more effectively. Additionally, here is a text version of 50 of the most common biases. And Here’s a much deeper resource bank on biases should you want to dive even deeper.
This excellent summary of Atomic Habits by James Clear helps to lay out a framework and some really important tools for making change a reality, drawing on and integrating the concepts in the earlier articles. This is how the rubber meets the road.
The Hacking of the American Mind explains why all of this stuff is so challenging to do in our modern world! It talks about the the differences between dopamine and serotonin, and how we can use this awareness to increase success with hard things, as well as avoiding pitfalls that can make challenging things more challenging. The Hedonic Treadmill is a related concept. It reinforces the need for discipline, a nod back to the concepts in Atomic Habits, and explains why all this hard work is worth it.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect explains why it is so hard to learn challenging things, and why we want to give up when beginner's luck wears off. When beginner's luck wears off, the practice of beginner's mind takes over to keep us out of the valley of despair by engaging the possibilities to learn and grow! A related video about becoming antifragile shows the joys and benefits that can result from learning to love the challenge of doing hard things.
How we think about our lives effectively determines how our lives will go. Bold claim, but I stand by it. The Power of Narrative, your story about your own life, told by you. No one is coming to save you. You are not the damsel in the tower, you are the hero. Once you are ready to step out and face your dragons. The concept of Cognitive Restructuring is an incredibly useful framework for making that change tangible, helping us to move from reaction to action, and from victim to victor. The 10 steps of Radical Acceptance are a big part of this shift. Here’s a summary video that breaks it down in high level.
It’s pretty hard to hit a target when we don't know what to aim for. Defining values is a great way to define those targets. This workbook can help you to define and hone in on your values. Here’s a support video. The ikigai is a related concept that can help align those values to your lived experience in support of meaning and purpose. The ikigai is often used in its Venn Diagram form for helping to figure out work, and it can be used for so much more.
Self-reflection. I really can’t overstate how important self-reflection is as a cornerstone of change. You can collect and even understand all the skills and frameworks in the world, but if you can’t figure out where they fit, they aren’t doing you any good. Meditation and Journaling are I think the two most powerful tools for change. There are certainly other ways to do it, but I don't know of any that are as direct and reliable. You don’t need any fancy tools for meditation, just your breath. There is no end to guided meditations and no right and true way to do it. For the beginner, I suggest simply counting to ten deep breaths. As you advance, you can try out different styles. Apps such as Headspace, Calm, Waking Up, and Insight Timer can provide structure and reminders. Journaling provides the perfect place to practice the integration of all the new life skills, again without any need for fancy equipment and tutelage. Sit and write. Again, there are TONS of apps and websites devoted to helping you develop and practice this skill. DayOne has some excellent blog posts on starting your journey. For more on Journaling, see the list below.
And finally, communication skills help to integrate these practices with others. One very powerful tool that can offer fast and meaningful change is The DEARMAN from DBT. The Dearman can be an incredibly helpful tool in having productive conversations. It’s effectively how to convince other people that they want the same thing you want, or at least how to arrive at a compromise of something you both want. Additionally, Compassionate Communication sometimes called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) can train additional skills and awareness that reduce defensiveness and increase collaboration, both within yourself, and when engaging with others. More on these skills below.
Journaling and other self-reflection exercises!
I really can’t express how useful of a tool journaling can be. It’s also backed up by empirical studies to be effective at improving mood, self-image, impulse control, behavior change, and agency. Nothing fancy is needed, just a pen and paper (or app or computer), a quiet place, some time, and a willingness to reflect and grow.
The DayOne website has some EXCELLENT journaling resources that use myself. No need to buy anything from them. I have no affiliation other than using their products.
How to start Journaling from the DayOne crew is an excellent introduction to how and why to Journal
Here is an approach to stoic journaling, which might feel more approachable if feelings are too feely for you, or if a journal sounds cringe. Marcus Aurelius did it daily.
Shadow work is the process of looking at our dark sides, understanding, and integrating them as parts of us, instead of leaving them as the monsters under the bed. Here’s are some excellent shadow journaling prompts for the brave. This is some pretty deep work, and will likely bring up a lot of feelings.
Here are some journal insight prompts around limiting beliefs, the stories we tell ourself to stay small and hold back.
Additionally, here’s a bunch more journaling ideas! 25 journal prompts for self discovery, 161 questions to explore values, ideas, and beliefs, and 500+ questions to inspire your journaling journey.
Frameworks and concepts
I have a whole YouTube station with lots of these links, and more…
The enneagram can be really helpful for some folks, especially those who might feel a bit lost with the question “who am I?”? Here’s a free test that can help you to get started with this personality typing system. There is also an official and much more in-depth paid test on the official website.
Brene Brown, what a gem. The power of vulnerability by Brene Brown. And the difference between shame and guilt.
Think you can multitask? Try out this exercise and see if you really can: Try the Myth of Multitasking Exercise! | Updated Version of Multitask Test
Are you “above or below the line” Locating Yourself - A Key to Conscious Leadership
Here’s a much deeper dive on Radical Acceptance from an expert: Radical Acceptance: Gateway to Love, Wisdom and Peace, with Tara Brach
DBT and CBT have some great skills to teach, here’s a few: DBT Skills: Opposite Action and Emotion Regulation, The 3Cs of CBT,
Relationships
Few things are more challenging or rewarding than relationships. So much complexity, when you take the complexities of 2 (or more) systems, and try to merge them.
While limited in scope (and despite having a problematic author) The 5 Love Languages can be a useful tool for establishing better communication in all of your relationships
The concept of an erotic blueprint is similar to the 5 love languages in that we all have unique blends of what works for use erotically. Even though we may have a great partnership, this may not always line up 1:1 and communication can be helpful in bridging these gaps. The free quiz may give enough data to get started (scroll down for free quiz) in understanding the differences, and the blog contains lots of information about the types and bridges.
One of the common concepts that comes up in couples work is attachment styles. This deep concept lead to pretty significant changes in empathy and connection, as well as actionable steps for improvement around things like jealousy and anxiety. What are attachment styles and how to overcome them
The famous Gottman 4 horsemen. These are the harbingers of doom in relationships. In my opinion, a must read for any couple, even ones doing well.
The Ancient Greeks recognized 7 different kinds of love, it can be useful to think in this expanded framework, and think about how to develop different kinds of care in our relationships.
NVC can be a really amazing tool for couples, or really for anyone looking to level up the ability to converse and manage conflict. You can check out the longer section below to learn more.
The DEARMAN from DBT. The Dearman can be an incredibly helpful tool in having productive conversations. It’s effectively how to convince other people that they want the same thing you want, or at least how to arrive at a compromise of something you both want.
Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
NVC is a system of communication that focuses on empathy and the resolution of conflicts through connection. The system teaches how to move aggressive or coercive tactics to ones that focus on equity and empathy, and model win-win outcomes. It’s a rich modality, and even learning the basics can benefit anyone tremendously, in couples, work, or any relationship.
Videos to help with concepts and application of Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
The Emotions Wheel can help to drill down from “course” emotions to the “finer” emotions underneath, increase authenticity, and moving towards communication the desire for resolution.
I-Statements and 2 Minute Therapy- Positive Communication with I Statements
Secular Buddhism
I do not consider myself Buddhist any more than I will label myself with any other religious identity. However, I have found that Buddhism as a philosophy has a lot to offer and generally finds alignment with how I view the world. It’s not going to be the right fit for everyone, nor do I think it needs to be, however, I want to offer a collection of some of the concepts I have found to be helpful.
The Buddha taught non-violence, not pacifism. A common misconception, and a needed distinction in a world full of conflict.
This summary of the brilliant book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön has been incredibly helpful to me in the journey of Radical Acceptance. Make no mistake, this book is not a light read. It is incredibly challenging, and a book that I revisit regularly. Especially in times that feel too tough.
On the note of Pema Chödrön, i find her work to be brilliant, and here are a few other bits from her. The Exercise That Could Help You Transcend Resentment | SuperSoul Sunday | Oprah Winfrey Network, Pema Chödrön on vibes.
Tara Brach is another lovely Buddhist practitioner, Radical Acceptance: Gateway to Love, Wisdom and Peace, with Tara Brach
I will continue to add to and modify this post as I come across new and helpful resources, in an attempt to build out a library of the skills and tools I talk about in sessions and make them available for reference.
