STOPP - a practical and tactical guide to improvement
A gentle reminder to STOPP and practice your skills to improve your quality of life
One of the most useful skills in DBT is summed up in a simple acronym, STOPP. Simple and effective, this is a tool anyone can use in a wide variety of situations, but especially when triggered or feeling reactive. The steps are as follows:
STOP - Literally, stop. Slow down the clock. Even if things have already happened, it’s not too late to stop them and mitigate further damage, maybe even turn things around.
TAKE a few deep breaths, and TAKE a step back - Metaphorically or literally. If you’re in danger, or actively exposed to a trigger, can you get away and get yourself safe? What can you do, what is within your control, to slow things down a bit? Even if just for a moment, get some space from the issue. Take a few deep breaths, at least until you feel like you have better control over your breathing, or until the emotional charge from the situation lessens a bit. Get back in your window of tolerance. If you try to make decisions while emotionally compromised, your resulting solution will also be compromised. Even 1 breath is good, 3-5 is better, and 10 can fix most things. The breath can even short-circuit panic attacks. You might try a psychological sigh or the accordion techniques to really help shift your state quickly. Holotropic breathwork can be a great resource if you need a big state shift, or a guided meditation might help provide a mini-mental vacation.
OBSERVE - Now that you’re calm enough to think clearly, think about what just happened. How was it that whatever happened was able to get under your skin and bother you so much? What are the factors involved? Have you considered if you have unmet needs that might be making your less resilient? Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT)? Can you make sense of the situation? Now is the time to engage your rational mind a bit, and try to engage the wise mind, the mind that can both think AND feel. Observe what you DO have control of in this situation. You might consider using the circles of control, or the 4 questions in this phase to help you understand your feelings. You can read into some of these related techniques in this blog post. You always have control of something, the trick is to engage your curiosity and find it.
PLAN - Is there another way to approach or think about this situation, a different way to manage yourself or your own emotions, or a way to avoid the situation altogether if there’s no solution to be had right now? Make a realistic plan based on the outcomes you would like to have happen, and the agency or influence you have in the circumstances. Try not to focus on what is out of your control, or focus on all the negatives. Operate from your strengths, and from what you control. This may be simple or as complex as you need and may be a short or long-term plan. You can use additional tools like journaling, Cognitive Reframing, the DEARMAN, Opposite to Emotion (O2E), SMART goals, etc… to help you plan effectively. If a plan feels too big, tr to break it down into smaller plans and steps.
PRACTICE / PLAY - Now, try to put that plan into motion! Run the experiment. It may not be perfect (it most likely will not be), that’s why it’s practice! Collect data as you go, and reform the plan to refine the practice in a continual loop of improvement. Things will get better if you try to make them better! Where intention goes, energy flows. This can be a pretty challenging step, but is almost certainly worth it. The good news is, like picking up any new skill, most people rapidly improve. Most things worthy take effort to earn them.
Another way to think about it as playing a game. Games are enjoyable, and it can become fun to see how often you can catch and challenge yourself. As with any game, you get better the more you play. You better learn the rules, and how to use your strengths to accomplish your goals. This change in how you think about it can change this from tedious never ending tasks into enjoyable growth! It’s a big shift, but it is absolutely possible.
Keep in mind as you make choices that there is no way to perfectly predict the outcomes, so instead, we do the best we can with the information available. Even if things don’t go “to plan”, that does not mean that all hope is lost. Author of Atomic Habits, James Clear, I think says it best.
“Whether a decision is good or bad can change based on how you act after the choice is made.
You can’t learn all the lessons beforehand. You learn a lot about what you want in a marriage after getting married. You discover what type of career you enjoy after doing a lot of work. And so it goes in nearly every area of life. In many cases, what you wish you knew ahead of time can only be learned after the decision is made.
So there is nothing left but to pay attention to what you like, continue to iterate, and commit to making the most of each opportunity. There is no perfect decision. Good decisions are made right after the fact.”
STOPP is one of those skills that gets easier to use the more you use it. At first, it’s tricky to recognize the moment, (this can be improved more quickly by utilizing mindfulness practices such as meditation and journaling) and we might catch it later than we would prefer. The important thing to remember is that it’s never too late to avoid further pain, and it’s always the right moment to practice making things better! As awareness grows, so too the effectiveness of this practice will increase. You will find that with practice, you can start this sooner, go through it faster, and ultimately find more relief more quickly. Partnered with the practice of Cognitive Reframing, we can even come to see each conflict as an opportunity to grow in our awareness, tolerance, capacity, and resilience. This is Eventually, we might even overcome most of the distress of these situations, and potentially even come to enjoy these moments as a chance to problem-solve and grow. This is sometimes called antifragility, and can become a personal superpower!
If this tool has been helpful for you, or you have any questions about how to use it, feel free to leave a comment below!
