Accessing The Space
Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” (Frankl, 1946).
In the influential book "Man's Search for Meaning," Viktor Frankl reminds us of the profound significance of the space between stimulus and response. This space represents an opportunity for a moment of freedom and empowerment: the freedom to choose our responses. In this space, we have the capacity to pause and reflect, to consider our values and desires, and to consciously choose the actions that shape our futures. It is within this space that we find the opportunity to take responsibility for personal growth and with it the manifestation of our liberation from slavery to our automatic thoughts and feelings.
Step one is to be able to stop the automatic response. It is really hard to change something we are not aware of. One way to access this space is through cultivating mindfulness and self-awareness. By practicing presence, we can learn to observe our automatic thoughts, feelings, and reactions. We can learn to challenge these reactions and then intentionally choose how we want to respond. Engaging in self-reflection, getting support from a therapist, and exploring techniques like meditation can support access to this transformative space.
Once we can observe our own thinking, there are tools that we can use to access the space between the thoughts, and with it, our agency. Borrowing from behavioral psychology, a few of these tools are the 3C’s, the 4Q’s, Circles of Control, STOPP, and O2E.
The 3C’s:
Catch it. Step 1. Notice the thinking or feeling, and to decide that you want to do something different.
Challenge it. Step 2 is to challenge the thinking using the 4Q’s. More on this below.
Choose it. Step 3. Take responsibility for your desire to do something different and make it happen!
For example, if you are feeling anxious about an upcoming job review, step one is just to notice without judgment. “I am feeling nervous, I want my review to go well”. This is reasonable anxiety, and shows you care about the thing at hand! But we don’t want it to get off the rails and lead to self-limiting behaviors. Step two is to challenge the anxiety. The 4C’s are a great tool to use here.
Is it true? Do you have a reason to be worried? Has your job been going well? Do you think you have a good work ethic? Is it useful? Does your anxiety change anything? Is it kind to yourself to worry about something you can't change? Is it in your control? Step 3 is to ask what IS in your control, and come up with a plan to so SOMETHING to ease the anxiety. This is where you can use the Circles of Control. For example, you might not be able to control the final hiring decision, but you can prepare your talking points for the review, and think about any criticism that may come up so you have questions that show awareness, for example. To prepare is in your circle of control. And worry about what is not in your control, and not even in your influence, is a waste of time.
3 circles depicting three states of control. You want roughly 80% or more of your energy and effort to be within the inner circle, where you have agency.
The 4 Questions (4Q’s):
Is it true? Is your story true? Is it always true? Even if you emotions are valid, is it helping you to get what you really want?
Is it useful? Does your anxiety serve a purpose? Is it keeping you safe? Do you need it? Is there a reason you should listen to it? Is it in your power to change it? Is it worth your energy?
Is it kind? Is the story kind to you and others involved?
What can you do about it? Down to agency. This is where the rubber hits the road and gives traction for CHANGE to occur. Is it in your sphere of influence, or outside of it? What DO you have the ability to control in the situation? Where can you access your agency and responsibility?
**An important note. Sometimes our anxiety is valid, and we should listen to it instead of challenge it. The key is to use your reasoning to determine what is helpful and what is not. For example, driving your car too fast will helpfully elicit an anxious reaction. It IS true that you could get in an accident. It IS useful to prevent that from happening. It WOULD NOT be kind to harm yourself or others to continue driving recklessly. It IS NOT helpful, and it IS in your control to drive more safely. STOPP is another awesome skill, effectively a reframing of the 3C/4Q framework, that can help restore agency and make an action plan. There is a whole post just on the STOPP skill.
O2E or opposite to emotion is another helpful tool, and is also pretty simple. When you feel an emotion that you don't like, do the opposite. If you feel jealousy, practice listing things you are grateful for. If you feel fear, list out some times when you are brave. If you are feeling nervous, think about times when you have been successful in a challenge. When you are sad, try to think about some reasons that you have to be happy.
One last note. Just because you might miss the initial space between the stimulus and reaction does not mean that the opportunity has been lost! Every new moment is a new opportunity to practice finding that space and accessing your agency. It is never too late to minimize further damage and improve future outcomes!
