Let’s talk about Boundaries
The Walled City-State: A review of Boundaries
I’ll invite you to imagine a city-state surrounded by imposing walls and impressive stone architecture. The moat, the drawbridge, the portcullis, the crenelated and fortified towers. These grand walls and defenses of these city-states protected the people and culture within from invaders and tyrants. These are cities, that while no longer their own sovereign countries, have stood the test of time, and continue to. They have a unique culture, art, architecture, and vibe that has been protected by the city walls through the ages.
Dubrovnik, One such example of a city-state that has stood the test of time
What do you think might happen if a new ruler took over, and became very concerned with what visitors to the city thought of them? They start asking every visitor what THEY think the city should look like. They go beyond the walls and ask neighboring city states what should be changed to be more to the liking of those neighbors. New construction is started, demolitions begun, projects abandoned halfway through as new opinions are voices. New statues are commissioned, old statues torn down, the buildings in the city become a riot of colors, some buildings might even be a many colors, and covered in the names of the visitors. The villages near the castle begin to remove stones from the walls to build their own gardens and homes. In short, the order, character, and culture of the city is quickly lost, and the city banking reserves are often drained as well in the process!
Now, imagine yourself as a thriving city-state—bustling with ideas, emotions, relationships, and personal values. Like any city-state of old, your well-being depends on the strength and flexibility of your walls: your boundaries. In clinical psychology, boundaries are the psychological, emotional, and physical limits we establish to protect ourselves while maintaining meaningful connections with others. Poor boundaries can lead to internal chaos, and an inability to defend ourselves from the world around us.
The Purpose of the Walls
The walls of a city-state are not built to isolate; they are designed to regulate. They determine who enters, who stays, and under what conditions. Healthy personal boundaries serve a similar purpose. They allow supportive relationships to flourish while keeping out forces that threaten emotional stability. Without them, chaos ensues—much like a city vulnerable to invaders.
In short, the walls of the city are linked to the rules required to enter and stay within those walls. Visitors will keep to the rules, or there will be consequences. These consequences can include limitations of privileges, or a revoking of the right to visit the city, ei, be in relationship.
Types of Boundaries: The City Gates and Beyond
Rigid Boundaries: The Impenetrable Fortress
Some people build walls so high and thick that hardly anyone can get through. While this prevents harm, it also leads to isolation. Rigid boundaries may manifest as difficulty trusting others, reluctance to ask for help, or extreme self-reliance. A city with no open gates cannot engage in trade, cultural exchange, or community growth. In therapy, we might seek to understand where certain rules can be relaxed to allow more open relationships.Porous Boundaries: The Unfortified Settlement
At the other extreme, some city-states have barely any defenses—invaders come and go as they please. There are gaping holes in the walls, and visitors have built their own bridges and entrances. Porous boundaries in relationships may look like over-disclosure, inability to say no, or accepting mistreatment. Just as an undefended city risks plunder, a person with weak boundaries may experience emotional exhaustion, resentment, and a lack of personal agency. In therapy, we would seek to understand the reasoning behind this lack of self-protection, and explore and establish new rules and boundaries that allow for healthier relationships.Healthy Boundaries: The Well-Governed City
An effectively governed city knows when to open its gates and when to shut them. It has guards who assess visitors and enforce fair policies. Consequences to breaking those fair policies are enforced fairly and with regularity as well. Healthy boundaries involve assertive communication, self-respect, and the ability to engage in relationships without losing one’s sense of self. This balance fosters emotional security and meaningful connections. In therapy, we will seek to understand how to keep these boundaries in effective working order, and how to modify them over time from a healthy perspective.
Strengthening Your Walls
Just as ancient cities reinforced their defenses over time, individuals can strengthen their boundaries through self-awareness and practice:
Know Your Limits: Identify what feels comfortable and what does not. Understanding your emotional landscape helps determine where to place your walls.
Communicate Clearly: Express your needs and limits without guilt. “I can’t take on extra work right now” is a valid statement, just as a city enforces trade policies. This also helps others to understand the rules required to be in relationship.
Enforce Consequences: Boundaries without enforcement are ineffective. If someone repeatedly disrespects your limits, addressing the issue assertively is necessary—just as a city would expel a disruptive presence, or at least curtail privileges of that visitor.
Seek Support: Even the strongest cities rely on allies. Therapy, mentorship, and trusted relationships can help reinforce your personal boundaries.
Boundaries, Requests, and Demands: Understanding the Differences
In any well-functioning city-state, laws and agreements guide interactions, just as personal relationships are shaped by boundaries, requests, and demands. Understanding these distinctions can help in maintaining healthy interactions.
Boundaries: The City’s Sovereignty. Boundaries are personal rules that define what you will and will not accept within your space. They are non-negotiable in the sense that they protect your well-being and autonomy. Just as a city-state has the right to decide who enters its walls and under what conditions, you have the right to determine how you are treated by others. For example, saying, “I will not tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully,” is a boundary—it does not control others, but it does establish what behavior you will engage with. Boundaries are all about YOU, what you require, and what you will allow, in order for others to be in relationship with you.
Requests: Diplomatic Negotiations. Requests are like trade negotiations between city-states. They are open to discussion and allow both parties to maintain autonomy. When you make a request, you acknowledge that the other person has a choice in their response. Saying, “I’d really appreciate it if you could call before coming over,” is a request—it expresses a preference without imposing control. Note, if this request is not understood and followed as agreed, it can result in violation of a boundary.
Demands: Forced Compliance. Demands are like ultimatums imposed by a more dominant power, often without room for negotiation. A demand attempts to control another person’s actions, much like a city imposing unfair tariffs on its neighbors. Saying, “You must call before coming over, or else,” takes away the other person’s agency and may lead to resentment or conflict. While sometimes necessary, especially to enforce a healthy boundary for yourself, it is not usually a good starting point.
Understanding these distinctions helps to foster respectful, mutually beneficial relationships. Healthy city-states engage in fair trade and diplomatic discourse, just as emotionally secure individuals communicate their needs while respecting the autonomy of others.
Conclusion: Your City, Your Rules
Your psychological well-being is like a city-state—its survival and prosperity depend on the strength of its boundaries. Whether you’ve been an unguarded settlement or a closed-off fortress, there is always an opportunity to restructure your walls for optimal balance. Boundaries are not barriers; they are the carefully crafted walls that allow life to flourish within.
