“The Questions That Help You Find the Right Therapist”
Finding the RIGHT Therapist: Why Asking the Tough Questions Matters
Starting therapy can feel like a big step. It’s personal, it’s vulnerable, and ideally it’s also life changing. But here’s something a lot of people forget: your therapist isn’t meant to be your friend. In fact, it’s unethical for them to do so, and, you will likely never seem them outside of the therapy context. They’re not there to like you or for you to like them (though it’s nice if you do, and generally, most therapists will like you, because the essential you is likeable!). They’re there to help you grow, heal, and move forward.
That means honesty comes first. And part of being honest with yourself is making sure you’ve got the right person sitting across from you. Which is why interviewing a therapist is a lot like a job interview, except in this case you’re the boss.
Therapy is Not About Being Liked
A lot of people enter therapy with the unconscious hope that their therapist will like them. That makes sense, because therapy is such a personal space. But trying to win your therapist’s approval usually means you’ll hold back. It’s also reinforcing the validation game that manny of us are playing constantly outside of therapy. You might avoid saying things that feel messy, shameful, or risky. The problem is that those are often the exact things that need to be worked through.
A good therapist won’t just sit there and nod along. Yes, they’ll validate your fears and your pain, and they’ll hold space for what you’re going through. But they’ll also challenge you. They’ll ask the hard questions, and they’ll push back when you’re stuck in an old pattern or story.
That’s not always comfortable. In fact, if therapy feels comfortable all the time, it might not be doing what you need it to do. Growth usually comes with some level of discomfort. A good therapist trusts the relationship enough to meet you where you are, while also helping you stretch beyond where you’ve been.
Talking to Individual Therapists
If you’re looking for someone to work with one on one, don’t be shy about asking hard questions. In fact, you should. Bring up your actual concerns—anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, whatever’s front and center for you—and ask:
How would you work with this?
What kinds of strategies do you usually use?
What does progress look like in your approach?
Their answers should give you a sense of whether they’ve got the experience and tools you need. A good therapist won’t get defensive. They’ll welcome your questions.
Talking to Couples Therapists
If you’re looking for help as a couple, you’ll want to go even deeper. Couples therapy can be intense, and you need someone who’s confident in handling the specific dynamics you bring into the room. Ask about situations that actually come up between you two.
For example:
What would you do if one of us shuts down during conflict?
How do you handle power struggles or recurring arguments?
Can you share an example of how you help couples work through a fight?
You’re looking for someone who feels steady and capable, someone who can hold space for both of you without taking sides or getting lost in the weeds. You’re also looking for someone who won't TAKE sides. You aren’t there for validation, you’re there to stop the fighting.
Think “Speed Dating,” Not “Settling Down”
Here’s the thing: you don’t need to stick with the first person you talk to. In fact, it’s can be better if you don’t. Try out consultation with a few therapists, see how the conversations feel, and notice where you feel both safe and challenged. Many therapists offer free consultation calls, which makes it easy to test the waters.
Think of it like speed dating for your mental health. You’re not committing right away, you’re just seeing who feels like the right fit.
Bottom line:
Asking tough questions up front saves you time, money, and energy down the road. Therapy is an investment in yourself, and you deserve a therapist who is actually right for you, not just “good enough.” Showing up prepared to ask the hard questions can help you make sure you are on track for success.
Example Questions to Ask A Therapist:
Questions to Ask an Individual Therapist
How do you usually start working with someone who brings up the kinds of issues I’m dealing with?
Can you share an example of how you’ve helped a client work through being stuck in a repeating pattern?
What do you do if you feel a client isn’t being fully open with you?
How do you balance being supportive with pushing someone to stretch or face uncomfortable truths?
Can you describe a time when you had to challenge a client’s perspective? How did you handle it?
What does progress look like in your approach, and how would we know if therapy is working?
How do you decide which tools or methods to use with a client?
Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist
What do you do if one partner dominates the conversation while the other stays quiet?
How do you approach power struggles or situations where both partners feel unheard?
Can you give an example of how you help couples de-escalate during heated conflict?
What would you do if one partner isn’t motivated to be in therapy?
How do you make sure you’re not “taking sides” in a session?
General Questions for Any Therapist
What do you see as your role in the therapy relationship?
How do you handle it if a client disagrees with your perspective or approach?
What’s one way you know therapy is challenging a client in a healthy, productive way?
